"Why are you making such a big deal out of this?"
"I was just joking. You're so dramatic."
"You need to learn to let things go."
Words like these cut deep, especially when you're already struggling to understand your own intense reactions. In the moment of emotional flooding, you might even agree with them. Maybe you are overreacting. Maybe you should be able to shake it off and move on like everyone else seems to.
But what if those seemingly disproportionate reactions aren't overreactions at all? What if they're your body and mind remembering what your conscious awareness has forgotten or minimized?
The Body Keeps the Score
Our bodies register experiences long before we have words to describe them. The nervous system records every significant emotional event—storing not just the memory but the physical sensations, emotional responses, and survival mechanisms that accompanied it.
This is why a seemingly minor comment can send your heart racing, why certain tones of voice can freeze you in place, or why specific situations trigger a wave of shame that feels vastly disproportionate to what's happening now.
Your body is remembering.
Implicit Memory vs. Explicit Memory
Our memories exist in different forms:
Explicit memories are the stories we can tell about our past—the narrative of what happened, when, and with whom. These are the memories we consciously access and share.
Implicit memories are stored differently. They include emotional responses, bodily sensations, and behavioral patterns that were encoded during significant experiences—especially those involving threat, shame, or overwhelming emotion. These memories don't announce themselves as memories; they simply activate when something in the present resembles something from the past.
When David's boss uses a certain dismissive tone in a meeting, David doesn't consciously think, "This reminds me of how my father spoke to me when I was failing math in seventh grade." He just feels a sudden rush of inadequacy and shame that seems to come out of nowhere.
He's not overreacting to his boss. He's remembering with his body what his conscious mind may have minimized or forgotten.
The Accumulation Effect
Another reason reactions may seem disproportionate is what therapists call "the accumulation effect." What looks like an overreaction to a single comment might actually be a response to the hundredth similar comment you've heard throughout your life.
When Sarah snaps after her partner makes a mild criticism about dinner, she's not just responding to tonight's comment. She's responding to years of critical comments that have accumulated like sediment in her emotional system—from partners, parents, teachers, and others whose opinions mattered.
What seems excessive in isolation makes perfect sense in context.
Redefining "Proportional" Responses
The very concept of a "proportional" emotional response assumes we all experience events with the same intensity and meaning. We don't.
What feels minor to one person may represent a significant threat to another's sense of safety, worth, or belonging based on their unique history. Your reactions aren't disproportionate—they're proportionate to your experience, not to others' expectations or assumptions.
From Judgment to Curiosity
Healing begins when we move from judging our reactions to becoming curious about them:
- Instead of "Why am I being so sensitive?" try "What is this sensitivity telling me about my experiences?"
- Instead of "I shouldn't feel this upset," try "My upset feelings make sense given my history."
- Instead of "I need to get over this," try "I need to understand and integrate this."
This shift from judgment to curiosity opens the door to self-understanding and genuine healing.
Reclaiming Your Emotional Narrative
When someone suggests you're overreacting, they're imposing their reality on your experience. Reclaiming your emotional narrative means trusting that your reactions, even when intense or uncomfortable, contain valuable information about your needs, boundaries, and history.
This doesn't mean every emotional reaction should be expressed exactly as it arises or that there's no value in developing emotional regulation. Rather, it means approaching your emotional responses with respect for their origins before deciding how to express them.
The Path Forward
If you recognize yourself in this description of "overreactions" that are actually remembering, consider these steps:
- Notice the patterns in what triggers intense emotional responses
- Track the physical sensations that accompany these responses
- Look for connections to earlier experiences where you felt similarly
- Practice grounding techniques that help you stay present when triggered
- Consider working with a trauma-informed therapist who understands how the body stores emotional experiences
Most importantly, be gentle with yourself. Your reactions developed for a reason—often to protect you when you had limited options. They're not character flaws or weaknesses; they're adaptive responses that may no longer serve you but once helped you survive.
You're not overreacting. You're remembering. And in that remembering lies the potential for profound healing and integration.
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